Righteous Ideals and Normal Concerns or Rantings of a Lunatic…

So it finally hit me. Its almost 3 am and I was laying in bed pondering my life choices when my throat and stomach simultaneously knotted. Its that ominous feeling, a feeling of fear. I used to fear change in school most of all. Like the jump from middle school to high school or like the ending of eleventh and growing to be a senior. Now I am making the biggest change my life has ever seen in moving to Tokyo for school. I know most of you that read this blog are looking for things about fashion and that nature but today is a weird day and needs to be concluded in a strange way.

Just so you know I have done this before but moving to Japan this time is completely different than last. A little back story is that when I was a senior in high school I moved to Japan for six months as an exchange student. You know the kids that couldn’t really speak the language you spoke? That was me. Well I spent four days in Tokyo right from the start. I knew I would already love it but this was a feeling of immense euphoria when we landed that I hadn’t ever felt before. Arriving into the city for the first time is something I think you can only truly feel once. I think once you ride that two hours and hit the city lights you will never have that overwhelming feeling again.

Now after those four days I moved on to my family in Maebashi,Gunma. Compared to most capital cities in Japan it is relatively small. It is a lot like my hometown of Greensboro, N.C.. Its not the smallest city in the world nor the biggest and its laid out in layers. First you have the city, then the suburbs then the country. I spent five unforgettable months here. I met one of the greatest friends that I haven’t seen since I left, yet am still best friends with, and fell in love for the first time with a girl I thought I could be with forever.

During that time I spent a few days in Tokyo but in my mind it became home. Not a home as in you know it well just I knew it was where my heart resided(I.E. home is where your heart is at, home is ya habitat, tha place where it happen at….etc..). So I came back January 7th 2006 knowing I had to go back. I spent the next two year scheming up ways to move then I found Temple, applied and got in. Now I’m here at this point in time pulling some Jerry Maguire shit. Kinda freaking out, laying down on my friends pull out couch in Atlanta.

I am leaving in less than a month. August seventeenth to be exact. I have a friend I am supposed to stay with till the actual move in date but for some reason I am worried that it will get botched and I will be alone at the airport with no where to go. It isn’t that I don’t trust her, I am just worried. Also I have to leave my family. The first time it wasn’t hard because I knew I had to come back. This time the options are endless, I could stay, go, do whatever I choose. Those options and open doors frighten me. Finally it is almost like it is do or die time for my dreams and ambitions. I am nineteen and I have dreams as large as the oceans of the world. I am sometimes scared that these Atlantic size dreams may just be too big, while at other times I know whole heartedly that I can accomplish them.

Now I know that if I get to Tokyo and I cannot get with my friend I have the wit to do what I have to do to get where I need to be. Now my family is a tough issue, before the six months the most I had ever been states away from my family or out of contact was a week. This is a huge leap for me in that category.
I have lived on my own for the past two years yet never too far that if I needed someone they couldn’t be there within the hour. Also my mother and I are really close and I would fight and die for her. She is easily the most amazing women I have ever met. All in all it just sucks to leave her.

Finally my dreams. My dreams are as follows, get an internship writing for a fashion publication then turn that into meeting contacts. Use those contacts to start my own clothing store and start working my way into the street fashion world. These are big dreams when you are nineteen looking up to people like Jeff Staple, Hiroshi Fujiwara and Hiroki Nakamura. I don’t ever think that I want to be like these people but I want to be on or above that level. I want my name mentioned in some kids blog thirty years down the road saying near the same thing. I know I can do it but right now the idea of me actually doing it is hard to swallow.

So here I am at the end of my rant. I hate to take up time on my blog talking about bullshit going on in my life when there is so much to report within the Hip-hop community. But like I said, This is me. This is all I can do but I am growing to be able to do so much more, and I will…..


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